The product of too many days in bed.

I was having an extremely excessive amount of thoughts running through my head today, when a journal entry of mine popped into my mind. It helped me immensely. I thought I'd share (with a few minor edits), and maybe it'll help you, too.

"May 21, 2014.

Haven't written since May 17th?! Emily! Okay, to my credit, I've been bed-ridden for the past four days due to what I thought was my body's inability to cope with the cruelty of womanhood, but turns out it was just a bug, because both Mom and Dad have it now, too. We're all somewhat on the mend though, now. I think.
So, because I haven't moved from my bed since Saturday, my "let's be active!" mentality hasn't yet begun. I think Heavenly Father understands, though. I ALMOST DIED.
Last night I spread my social butterfly wings and hung out with people! No, not my ducky, but real live people. Benson and Ashley to be exact. What kids! Boy, am I grateful for them. My heart will break a little when Portugal decides it needs Ash more than I do. Aside from that - almost dying and being social - not much is new in my life.
The family is doing well. Abigail is moving to Highland soon, but it doesn't really effect me till Christmas, because I won't be living in Utah again till then. Beffy and Na'alie both have big kid teaching jobs. Stephen still has two really cute kids. And Caroline is still the same ol' heartbreaker.
Being glued to my pillow all weekend gave me lots of time to reflect, which seems nice, until you've had four days of it. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Whatever. Basically I was just questioning all motives in life. Natural, right? Yeah, maybe for a dying person. Will my wrist get better? Will I become the great violinist I dream to be? Will I ever get good at waking up early? Who am I gonna marry? Will I ever go on a mission? Will my stupid appetite ever come back? Will I ever learn to enjoy exerting myself in such physical demand that I want to cry? (Aka exercising) Will I ever get to where scripture study is perfectly enjoyable EVERY SINGLE DAY? Will the kid that lived on Hank 6 ever come back to church? When will my hair be long enough to french braid? Why do I love converse and skinnies and at the same time sandals and long dresses? Gangsta hats and Belle bows? Baseball games and reading all day? Will it ever get easier to miss people? Missing people is so hard. Will I ever write for a magazine or speak to a big crowd? I'm only 19, you know. I've got a long time. But it seems like all the big names were on the fast track when they were like ten.

Will I ever get to where I wanna be?

I love commencement speeches. I love self-improvement. I love hearing how I can change myself and in turn change the world. Sometimes I get so excited to change, improve, grow, be the best when I'm only 19... Sometimes I forget that not only can I change those things simply one second at a time, but that I don't have to know all the answers today. If I'm doing good things, and acting according to my professed faith, then God will handle it. I need to remember that I've done good things up till now, and that means I'm in the right place. I've followed the Spirit and read the scriptures and prayed hard and loved harder. So I'm in the right place. And if I keep doing those things, then 'He who has begun a good work in (me) will continue it until the day of Jesus Christ.' It's not about meeting the standards of the world or of your friends or even of your teachers. It's about pleasing God and in turn pleasing yourself. And the only way to do that is by doing what you know you need to do right now. I know, I know. 'Take it one day at a time'. 'Just breath.' 'Just keep trying.' Well, there's a reason cliches are cliches. It's because they're tried, tested, and true.
So pick up that Book of Mormon and read a verse or two. Practice when you can and go for a quick swim. Tell God thanks and when you start asking, 'When will my stupid wrist get better?' and 'Is he future guy?', be grateful that the Big Man Upstairs has got it under control and that because of that, you can proudly say, 'I DON'T KNOW. And I'm okay with that.' Be proud of who are you. Be proud of who you're becoming. And be proud of who you're destined to become."